Musings From the Herd: Humility and "It's All His Fault!"

I'm mad. I have been mad all day. Everything Papa Sheppard says or does is ticking me off right now. He doesn't listen to me, he doesn't hear what I am saying. He is just complaining and ordering me around. It's so frustrating. Especially since it's totally my fault.

Here's a fact: we LOVE to bash our husbands. Doesn't matter why. Dinner isn't ready? His fault. Diaper needs changing? His fault. Didn't get your teeth brushed? His fault. Doesn't matter who or what the issue is -- it's totally, completely and 100% his fault.

Papa Sheppard, Little Sheep and I all have allergies to cats. On top of that, Papa Sheppard has vertigo issues, and panic attacks. When his sineses are clogged, he takes dizzy spells, which trigger panic attacks. I just get the sniffles and watery eyes. Little Sheep sneezes and doesn't sleep well.

So you can imagine the shape we are in after spending Thanksgiving dinner at his parents' place. Who have 3 cats. Who stay indoors at all times.

Little Sheep didn't get nearly enough sleep yesterday, and was overtired this morning. Papa Sheppard woke up too early and didn't get enough sleep, so his allergies continue to plague him. And I decided today would be the perfect day to go to a second-hand store to look for a coat for two hours with Little Sheep.

 Bad Mama Sheppard, you should know better than that.

On top of that, I have slacked off on my daily routines, so everything is behind. And because I am not feeling well and am irritable, I am getting anxious and overwhelmed easily. So the current state of my home just makes it worse. And the fact that Papa Sheppard, who is legitimately not feeling well, is spending the day in his pajamas and doing nothing to help only further irritates me.

Because I took Little Sheep out two days in a row, she is way overtired. And she didn't get her proper naps. By the way, we also tried to get her to nap in her crib for an hour (no CIO but with loving attention), and try to get her to take the pacifier. Dumb. Cranky babies don't do well when deviating from their routine.

So we are all under the weather, overtired and anxious. The house needs work, and we need rest. I am irritable and snappy. Anything else? Yup. When it comes to communication, I am not so good.

First off, I have a horrible habit of forgetting EVERYTHING. Seriously. Today I accidently forgot I was trying on a coat at the secondhand store and actually left my car keys in a coat pocket (true story)! More times than not, I forget comversations and requests from Papa Sheppard. This has caused more than one small tiff between us, because he feels like I don't listen to him.

Other times I forget to tell him things, which usually results in me either telling him just in the nick of time, or just too late. Which screws up our schedule.

And then there are times when I tell him something several times, because I forget I have already told him something. (Though this is where he is in the wrong: sometimes he makes me feel stupid for repeating myself when he knows I can't help it).

I wonder if anyone will notice a difference if I develop Altzimers in my old age.

But there's another aspect of communication I am not good at. I don't speak up when I disagree. We women tend to do this a lot, rather than confront out husbands about an issue. Why is that? We are afraid at the agruement that could (not will, could) insue; we talk to our girlfriends/mothers/sisters before we talk to our partners (this was something that drove me nuts on SATC -- Carrie would have saves herself so much drama if she'd gone to Aiden or Big instead of her three moronic single girlfriends. Seriously, relationship advise from Samantha?!); we don't know why we have to do this, why we can't just make the decisions ourselves; and the biggest one of all: we don't like having to admit we might be wrong.

Ouch.

Here is what we (meaning I) have to remember.

1). Our husbands are men. Not boys. They shouldn't whine, gripe, sook or storm off because they aren't getting their way. If your man does this, he needs to watch this video. What they should do is humbly, lovingly lead us. Sometimes that is not what we want. But that is their job. To lead us. Lovingly.

2). Our husbands cannot read our minds. Part of us wants or expects that we want that (the other part is very relieved that they can't). If we don't tell them what we want/need/feel, they are going to go on their happy merry way convinced all is right with the world.

3). Our husbands mean what they say. If he says he's sick, he's sick. If he says he's tired, he's tired. If he says he's hungry, he's hungry. It's not men who give us little clues as to what we actually mean. We do that! We either tell them half-truths or outright lies, or we imagine some secret underlying comment hidden underneath what they said. Why? Because we do it to them.

4). Our husbands are not martyrs. We are. We sacrifice all we have, and then expect them to do the same. Men, on the other hand, recognize that they need to recharge and have no problem letting things slide for a bit to get themselves back where they need to be. That's our vice, not theirs.

Sigh. And now comes the tough part. Admitting our faults and asking forgiveness.

"But he could be more supportive!" Yes he could. Tell him that. But appologize first.

"But he never helps me around the house!" If you are a SAHM, and he works outside, you don't help him at his job. If you need help, fine! Tell him that. But appologize first.

"But he thinks he knows everything! He has no idea--" That's because you don't tell him. Tell him that. But appologize first.

"But he doesn't understand how difficult it is!". Maybe not. Tell him that. But appologize first.

"But I am right! He should apologize." No one likes to apologize. But in every arguement, both parties have something to apologize for. Tell him that. But appologize first.

The old saying, Love is never havimg to say you are sorry, is so, so wrong. Love is saying you're sorry. Love is admitting you were wrong. And if you are truly loved back, that person will apologize too.

"But-" No more buts. Just Appologize.

Musings From the Herd: Please and Thank You!

I never had an interest in Thanksgiving.  I'm not a big fan of turkey and don't really pay a lot of attention to the historical significance of this particular holiday.  But yesterday, I received an email from my friend Sandy.  She wrote "Have a great thankgiving weekend. It's been a year to give thanks for in many ways!:)"


So I thought I'd take a minute to reflect on all that I am thankful for this year, and think about what might possibly come my way.  So, I am thankful for (in no particular order):

• the Trinitarian God, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, who are equal but different, and are an integral part of our lives in every aspect.  Without God, I would be nothing.  He is so great, gracious and merciful.  He has so much to teach me.
• my beautiful baby girl, Little Sheep, who came into this world over four months ago and has been an incredible eye-opening experience.  I love her (and Papa Sheppard) more than anything in this world.
• My wonderful husband, Papa Sheppard, who has proven himself to be different and better than any other man I know countless times over.  I cannot imagine being with anyone else.
• my mother and step-dad, the new grandparents, and their ability to laugh off my naivety and foolishness throughout my pregnancy and the beginnings of my journey through motherhood
• the wonderful birth experience I had -- painful, but wonderful
• my work partner, who has since moved away, but who made my experience working while I was pregnant so much easier and was so supportive
• Sandy and her husband, and their beautiful baby girl
• my best friend, D, away in Alberta, and her gorgeous family.  D has had three kids of her own, and is always able to answer my questions, or able to direct me in the right path.
• my friend Bri, who is so crafty and capable, and makes the cutest cloth diapers!
• Papa Sheppard's parents, who dote over Little Sheep like she is the only baby alive!
• this wonderful city I live in -- clean, open-minded, helpful to its citizens, and conscious of both the environment and the financial state
• our warm home and kitchen full of food
• the Internet, which acts as my brain on many occasions
• those who inspire me every day -- Shane Claiborne, Mother Theresa, my grandmother, Frank, and many people I see on the streets who give me ideas, whom I might never meet again.
• my dad, who looks down on us from Heaven
• the many people out there who follow and support our way of life -- attachment parenting, conscious consumerism, environmentally thoughtful, organic consumption
• my marriage, built on a loving and compassionate rock we call Christ, and maintained with an attitude of respect, honour and love.
• my husband's ability to provide for us and keep us well fed and our heads above water financially.  He has medical issues that make working difficult for him, yet he gets up every morning and does it to the best of his abilities to provide and keep us safe and healthy.

It has been an amazing year.  Rereading this list is a humbling experience and makes me teary-eyed.  So many wonderful people and things to be thankful for.  

God bless you all, and Happy Thanksgiving, Canada!

Musings From the Herd: A Funny Thing Happened At Baby Massage Yesterday...

I'm a Christian.  I don't ascribe to any one denomination or another, but that's for another post.  Suffice it to say, I believe in God.  And I am completely assured that God has a twisted and delightful sense of humor.  Here's my latest escapade.

Several weeks ago, I signed up to a Mom and Baby group on Facebook within my home town.  I am rarely on Facebook, so I never really paid much attention to it, and promptly forgot it completely.

I started receiving emails from someone named E.  Now, I don't know any E's in real life, so I didn't pay much attention to her messages, until this past Tuesday.  I looked into it and realized all this time that her messages had been invites to this Mom and Baby group I'd joined!  Not only that, but they were having their regular get-together that very day.

Well, Little Sheep and I got all together and went there.  When we got there, we met with another mom and baby, a little girl just a week older than Little Sheep.  They invited us to meet with them in a separate part of town for a free baby massage put on by a parent center, which happened every Thursday.

Well, that Thursday (yesterday), Little Sheep and I were running late.  We got ready, hopped into the car and took off.  We arrived 15 minutes late for class.  And Little Sheep was ravenous, and demanded we eat right now!  So before we went into the class, we nursed in the car for about 10 minutes.

As we were getting out of the car, already nearly half an hour late, a silver SUV pulled up beside us.  I was shocked to see my friend Sandy, a woman I'd met two years ago, waving and yelling at me excitedly.  "Don't go anywhere," she yelled, "I have to talk to you!"  I was shocked to see her there, much less her husband.  She works, as does he, and neither of them live or work even close to this part of town we were in.  Why were they here?

Sandy leaped out of her SUV and rushed over excitedly.  Now, Sandy is a massage therapist, so I asked her if she was the one putting on the baby massage class.  And she said, "No, I'm here to pick up my daughter. We're adopting a baby.  Right now.  Today!"

Now, a little background.  Sandy and her husband have been trying for what seems like millennia to either have or adopt a baby.  They've had their hearts broken numerous times and I am sure they were coming to the end of their rope.  Last Friday (only 7 days before), they were contacted and told that they had been selected to adopt a little girl.  They even got to pick out her name.  They hadn't told anyone about it, so that no one got excited.  But they'd finally been picked and were being given a baby.

Sandy and I are both active Catholics, and I was so honored and excited to be there when she received her gorgeous little red-haired angel.  She's 20 days old and an absolute gem.

Now... how weird is that?

I sign up for a Facebook group.  Through it I meet another mom and baby, who invite me across town on a particular day to attend a class.  And when I get there, with everything against me timing-wise, I get to be part of a very special event for my friend.  Had anything changed -- Little Sheep not wanting to nurse, us getting there on time, our new friend not inviting us to the class, me not checking that email or not going to the mom and baby group -- we wouldn't have been there at that exact time to see something so wonderful take place.

See what I mean when I say God has a twisted and delightful sense of humor?